So, I could really use your prayers

The short version is, I had a pretty bad panic attack yesterday at the train station and I could really use your prayers since now I am now pretty afraid of trains.

Allow me a moment to explain.

I do not generally like being touched. This usually includes being poked, prodded, having my neck touched and holding hands. I also do not like it when I do not have a decent amount of elbow room. If under these conditions, I generally feel mildly uncomfortable when placed under these conditions, but it was never anything serious. I was told that certain characteristics become much greater when in a foreign country. For example, if you are normally outgoing, you may become REALLY outgoing, or if you are shy, you may feel really shy in a foreign country.

For me, my dislike of being touched was greatly exaggerated. I was slowly becoming claustrophobic.

This is a problem, since the train is the general vehicle of transportation in Japan. And they can get VERY crowded in rush hour. So I was very afraid of the possibility (or inevitability) of having to get on a really crowded train. Before yesterday, I began to noticed that I was beginning to HATE being touched at all. even brushing elbows with people on the bus. There were a couple of times where I would refuse to sit with my teammates on the bus, since (although I did not admit this to them) I was too afraid to share a seat with them. This had never happened before, and I was VERY afraid of how I would react if forced to get on a really crowded train.

I need to tell a short story in order to fully explain my fear of this eventuality.

I have a bizarre thing where I need to wash my hands moderately often. Not because of germs or anything, I am not a germaphobe . I just do not like getting my hands dirty. An example being that, when I am eating ribs, I have to wash my hands after every rib, because I cannot stand having my hands sticky and napkins simply do not complete the job. Well, one day in class. I noticed that the crook of my hand (is that what it is called? I am talking about that part of the hand between your thumb and your pointer finger) was dirtier than normal. But class was not yet over, so I decided to wait. As time went on, I could not think about anything else but my feeling that I NEEDED to wash my hands. Eventually, I began to panic. I eventually RAN out of the classroom to wash my hands. When I got to the bathroom, not even having my hands finally clean could calm my panic. I eventually washed my wrists, then forearms, then biceps until I finally calmed down.

I must have been a sight, first I run out of class (I was sitting in the front row of all places, but luckily I was on the end of the row) and then I return with wet sleeves.

So, since I have had a panic attack before, I was afraid of how I would react on a crowded train where I could not run away. I was seriously afraid I would start yelling (a BIG no-no in Japan) and start striking fellow traingoers.

Well, yesterday the team went to Shinjuku to see a movie (Star Trek, I had already seen it, but it was still fun) I was told earlier that getting back would be crowded, so I was trying to mentally prepare myself of this event.

I did NOT do a good job.

So, after the movie, we went back to the trainstation, and I noticed there were significantly less people out front of the station than there were on the way to the theatre (the way there was PACKED, it was crazy), so I figured I had gotten a lucky break. Well, inside the station was more crowded. We took the train to Nakano (the town next to Koenji, where we are living), the ride was not the most pleasant, but I figured I had gotten through the worst of it. I was dead wrong.

There were LINES of people waiting to get on the train. It had not arived yet, but if all those people were getting onto the train, I could only imagine the combination of these lines with the people already on the train. I was a little freaked out, but I was able to calm myself down. Then, right before the train was scheduled to get there, someone was on the tracks.

I do not know HOW this man got on the tracks. He either tried to jump out in front of the train, but had terrible timing, or he fell (I am leaning towards he fell). There was a loud alarm going off the whole time, and the train was stopped to get the man off the tracks. This gave me too much time to think about the crampedness of the car. In addition, it gave time for more people to get to the platform, people who were trying to get on the train that WOULD have arrived after we left, but were now going to get on our train. What was once organized lines of people had become a large, unorganized mass, all awaiting to cram onto the same train as me. Something about the mix of too much time to think about the train, the loud alarm, and the panicked staff trying to get the man off the tracks all mixed into me starting to feel nauseous and that it for me.

I began to try and breath deeply in order to calm my stomach's desire to vomit. Only, I quickly discovered that I had lost complete and total control of my breathing and was breathing very heavily, which caused me to become very light headed. At this point, my nearby team mates noticed and asked if I was ok, since they all knew that I am clausterphobic. I told them (although it was very difficult to speak through my heavy breathing) that I was light headed. I knew that I was light headed, but hearing myself SAY that I was lightheaded was too much for me. My panic attack had begun.

I do not remember much after that. I do remember being told to place my hands on my knees. It was shortly after this that I realized that I could no longer feel my hands. It was like they had both fallen asleep. I was told after the event that I was getting too much oxygen and my body was starting to shut itself down, starting with the hands and feet. I vaguely remember being given a bag to breath into, and I also remember the other people on the platform beginning to notice me and come in to ask if I was ok.

Ok, now, I KNOW they meant well, but seriously! Do you think that it is a smart idea to crowded around something that is having a clausterphobia induced panic attack? I know that there was no way for them to have know why I was freaking out, but still.

Luckily, Kylan was there to convince the Japanese citizens that I was ok and they had to step back. After a while, Tim was able to help talk me down from it, I do not remember what he said, but I DO remember it was helpful. At this time, the train had finally come and I was able to speak enough to convince my team mates that I was getting better and would be ok and they should get on the train. Gen was going to stay with me until I was fully better. They left and then I saw a sight that almost caused another panic attack. A man was trying to force his way onto the train.

Ok, now in order to fully understand what I mean, imagine a very large rock. Probably about the size of a house. Now imagine a man trying to move that rock by placing his back against the rock and pushing with his legs. Got an image in your head? THAT is what this man was doing to this crowd. He was not forcing his way INTO the crowd by pushing past people, the train was so jam packed with people that forcing his way in was impossible. This man was trying to COMPACT the crowd enough for him to get on. It was THAT crowded.

And I was almost ON that train!

After seeing that sight, I quickly turned away from the train. I almost threw up right there. I then was brought over to a bench where Gen and I could sit until I was feeling up to moving again. He prayed for me until I was fully came back to my senses.

We ended up taking a taxi back because this was the only train going to Koenji and the next three were just as crowded as the last. Luckily, with the exception of feeling a little disoriented and a light chest pain, I was able to recover.

The only problem is, this will most likely not be the last time I will have to face a crowded train. On top of that, my experience has left me with a slight fear of getting onto trains. Which is really bad since (like I said earlier) the train is THE form of transportation in Japan and I have 3 and a half more weeks of Japanese trains.

So please, pray that I will be able to overcome this fear of trains and that this will only be a temporary thing. I love being here and I do not want something like this to tarnish the amazing experience that I am having. God had proven that He has been with this project since before we even left for Tokyo, so I know that He is with me now, but the augment of your prayers will be greatly appreciated.

So yeah, hopefully a much more upbeat post next time.